The worst smell I ever smelt

This post is inspired by a smell Thomas Jefferson (our dog not the dead president) made last night after eating sweet potatoes for the first time. It was possibly the second worst smell I have ever experienced.

The number one smell occurred in our flat in South Hampstead, London, back in 2006. The plughole in our bath started to back up and began to produce this black, lumpy sludge that I remember describing, in an e-mail I sent to Bec, as a "hell smell". I can only surmise it came from Hell, there or some equally inhospitable place (like West Texas, really what is the point?).

The smell left an indelible mark on my nasal passage, it smelt like a combination of garbage, rotting vegetables, death, men's locker room stench and New Orleans on a hot, summer day. Thankfully by the time I returned from work the pungent ooze had receded from whence it came , and after putting a bottle of pipe unblocker down the plughole it never returned again. It was a victory for all humankind, particularly me.

Two words you never thought would appear in the same sentence...

YouTube and The Vatican! Yes, Pope Benedict XVI has launched The Vatican's own channel on the popular website. I can see it the videos now, cardinals walking into doors, alter boys pouring tubes of Mentoes into bottles of Coke or perhaps the scandal of a video appearing showing a priest having his wicked way with a minor (you know the tapes are out there).

Vatican officials say it the site is aimed at everyone "from devout Catholics to the casual web user.", I see...if you can't bring the mountain to Mohammed. I think there are too many distractions for the young on the web as is, free games, videos of squirrels waterskiing, and porn, and I don't see how the Catholic Church will be able to acquire a segment of the youth market. Saying that they do give out free booze on Sundays. It is apparently the blood of Christ but it seems more like a ful bodied merlot.

Apparently the Pope has always been "fond of new technology", I can see him now reading The Bible on his Kindle. I bet he has The Da Vinci Code hidden on there somewhere, "its a page turner!". Would he be fired for reading Dan Brown's novel? Can the Pope lose his job? Or can only God decide the length of employment?

The news that the Catholic Church is embracing new media shouldn't surprise me. I forget how progressive the Catholic Church is what with their opinions on contraception, homosexuals and child molestation ("avert your eyes!"). Thes is exactly what we need, more religion. And now it is available at the click of a button

An abundance of caution

I love this phrase. Officials for new President Barack Obama are using it to describe why the Oath of Office was repeated last night at the White House over concern that the muddling of words during the oath at the inauguration could lead to legal issues. As soon as Obama paused I knew something would come up. I thought Fux news (not a typo!) would say that this slip proved Obama's terroristic tendencies as he was unable to commit to the red, white and blue (“his middle name sounds funny, he's a witch!”, “Burn him!”).

This story got me thinking of other times/situations that require an abundance of caution:
1. Eating whilst driving, a) it can be dangerous, b) nothing is worse than having half a Whopper Jr fall in your lap (yes a Whopper Jr, the Sr is too heavy for road trippin').
2. Ironing clothes while wearing them. It's not big and it's not clever!
3. Watching the end of any episode of a reality TV show, specifically the “on next weeks show” part because it usually tells you EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WEEK! So that you don't actually need to watch (maybe that is the point?)
4. Approaching Britney Spears. Don't believe the comeback hype she is still as crazy as a rabid wolverine on Mountain Dew!
5. Putting your johnson back in any pants with a zipper, particularly when you are drunk. Numerous circumcisions are performed by accident this way every year.
6. Doing heavy lifting after a large lunch.
7. Swimming at the beach (look out for rip tides, sharks and used condoms).
8. Playing with fire, unless you are an arsonist in which case play on.

If in doubt just think what would Jesus do?...
9. Don't piss off the Romans with your preaching and that.

Its a new day for the United States of America

So today is the first day at work for new President Barack Obama (I consider yesterday a half day, and the work he did was predominantly eating, walking and dancing at balls) and America rejoices. Finally we have the President in charge who the country voted for over two months ago (surely delaying the inauguration until the 20th of January made sense when people were travelling across the US on horse and cart but in the age of the interweb and Pop-Tarts why can't the new guy/gal start on the 20th of November, or better still the 6th!) and now he can get to work righting the ship that was the USS Bush's Fu*k up.

Having Obama in charge is reassuring for many reasons (some of which I will list below):
1. He actually wants to do the job. Bush has been phoning it in for the last 18 months, I think he saw the whole election as more of a transition period.
2. The war/s may end sooner and fewer of America's soldiers will be killed.
3. Obama is a man who will listen during cabinet meetings and wont be so distracted by his own excitement for the chocolate milk he has stored in the fridge.
4. Nor will Obama be coloring-in whilst Biden is talking.
5. The economy will be made a top priority and wont be allowed to sink further into the crapper (woohoo! people can work again).
6. The nation can be excited again. Just look at the inauguration, millions of people came to the capital from all over the country, not just to see Oprah, Denzel or Aretha (was it just me or was her singing a bit off?), but rather to see a brighter future embodied in one individual.
...146. HE IS NOT GEORGE W. BUSH! Or any other member of the Bush cabal.
As I said America rejoices!

Tony Hart RIP

To anyone who is British the passing of this TV legend comes with sadness but also many fond memories of watching the box as a child. Hartbeat was one of the foundations of kids TV in the 80s and I have many recollections of the Gallery (art sent in by kids) and of Tony's plasticine creation Morph. Tony Hart even created the original Blue Peter badge! How Tony Hart was not knighted is a travesty and a true legend of telly died today.

New airport opens at the end of our street

I have to admit that I found the news of an airplane landing in the Hudson river somewhat disturbing because the Hudson river is basically a 3 minute walk from home. Once I found out about the landing, from a phone call from Bec, I did go to gawk (like many other people) but the plane had drifted and so I couldn't see it. I felt that gawking was morally acceptably as no one was reported as dead. Of course the whole incident had a much more positive outcome than the last time planes came down in NY.

However the news can not let this matter go. I know this happened only yesterday but there is nothing else to report:
The plane came down.
Why?
Because a flock of geese flew into the engines (happens a lot but not to worry they say!?!).
Was anyone hurt?
Everyone survived, a few cases of hypothermia and some broken bones.
Job done there is nothing else to report, no terrorism to rail against, nothing suspicious happened with the plane that needs investigating but the news industry keeps on reporting. CNN were reporting today the incident under the banner of breaking news. It broke yesterday and is now clearly mended.

Unconfirmed reports from Washington suggest that George W. Bush had to be dissuaded from invading Canada after he feared the neighbouring country was using their national goose as a projectile to attack the US. The report continues that it was pointed out that Bush only had three more days to go in office ("so really what is the point"), that maple syrup can't be used to power cars and that he was being silly. Canada can rest facile.

Prison Break to end after the current season (4) ends

Didn't Prison Break end at the end of the first season when THEY BROKE OUT OF PRISON!!! The name of the show is quite explicit, it is a show about a prison from which there is a break. I have no problems with the show as a product, I hear it is very good. We have season 1 on box set but we are yet to watch it. The problem I have begins and ends with the name.

It is a bit like the British detective drama Taggart, about a detective called Taggart. This has been very successful since it began in 1983 even after the actor portraying Taggart died in 1995. At least do a spin off but the main character died the show is not the same.

Returning to Prison Break it appears to be one of those shows that was a success and they just had to make more. OK but at least do a spin off! Call it Crazy adventures of former convicts who performed a prison break otherwise you are kind of misleading people and that ain't right. Some of these shows just start and then have to continue because they are great, but the writers have no ideas beyond the original season. Look at Lost, what happened to the polar bears? What happened to the smoke machine that chased people around the island? I haven't started watching the last season yet but they got off the island and now they want back on! What the fu*k! Heroes is another show that basically tried to commit suicide with some rubbish shit in season 2, it is on the way back but the shark was approaching and wanted to be jumped over.

There is some great TV out there, I should know I watch enough, but sometimes it makes you just shake your head and nothing is worse that seeing a show you like die in front of your eyes each week. Except maybe becoming egg bound.

Why am I shouting?!?!?!?!

Why is is that the guys who flog Oxyclean both in the US (Billy Mays) and the U.K. (Barry Scott) spend the whole advert shouting? Can our attention not be caught by the quality cleaning potential of the product? It has clearly been decided by the marketing department that volume is the USP of Oxyclean.

The noise level is definitely on the rise on all adverts come to think about it. Every advert break on television requires the volume to be turned down, and with good cause because there is nothing more shocking than having the side effects of the latest ED pill rammed down your ear hole at over 100 decibels!

This post shows that I have a general issue with noise. I like reasonably loud music whilst in a car but I get very annoyed when people try to hold a conversation over the noise. If you want to have a chat turn the volume down but you can't have your Cake (a band) and chew the fat (a synonym for talking that suggests you are eating). This whole talking over music thing is one of the reasons that as a younger man I became allergic to clubbing, that and also because my deodorant didn't offer the female attracting qualities that more recent deodorant adverts suggest (now you can use a spray that turns you into chocolate...amazing!). My smell of choice had a more repellent function. All in all keep the noise down will you!

Rule Britania! Britannia rule the waves.

There were two great stories regarding the mother country today.

Firstly Tony Blair was in Washington DC to collect a medal given to him by George W. Bush for winning a three-legged race at the annual White House sports day...no he didn't I am being silly, he was disqualified. Blair was actually receiving America's highest civil honour, the Medal of Freedom. This was awarded for the staunch support given to the US by Britain in sending our young soldiers to be cannon fodder in the Middle East. This feels a little like one of those loyalty cards at Best Buy, you spend $1000 and they give you $5 back. Thousands of people (soldiers and civilians) have been killed but we clearly hit the total needed for the rewards voucher. Blair described the award as a "great honour" whilst Bush said "I knew that when either of us gets in a bind, there will be a friend on the other end of the phone,", is it just me or does that sound like the tagline from a Samaritan's advert?

Secondly another story that makes you go "Arrrggggghhhh!" is members of the Royal family being oblivious to their own offensiveness. Prince Harry, only a few years removed from wearing a Nazi armband to a fancy dress party (a secondary crime here was Prince Harry's lack of commitment to fancy dress as a concept, "What just the armband? Where is the rest of the uniform?"), was caught on tape calling a fellow soldier, of Asian descent, a derogatory term. The Palace assures us that no offense was meant and that the two are friends, which will surely appease the thousands of British Asians who could one day be under this ingrate's rule, surely...no? Also Prince Charles is in hot water for calling an Asian member of his polo club Sooty, although the story doesn't clear up whether this man is or was ever a chimney sweep. Again the statements being released in defence say that "no offence was meant", "look at the good work he has done over the years", "everybody says it don't they?", you know the usual stuff. What do you expect, look at the Grandfather/father (or should that be Fuhrer) Prince Phillip who has a list of offensive statements spoken that is as long as the Royal family gene pool is small. This is what you get with people who as a family used to own countries and then had their privileges taken away.

All in all it makes you proud to be a Brit, "Cuppa tea guv'nor?", "Oh go on then".

Are you serious!

I am not usually one to get too involved with celebrity gossip but there was a story today that caught my eye. I saw on the BBC website that Amy Winehouse's husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, is filing for divorce on grounds of her adultery. Now this raises at least two points:

1. Blake, don't you think that your recent incarceration in Pentonville prison is really the elephant in the room in this rancid relationship? You have been banged up for the best part of 18 months for having a fight, and some other nonsense, so you have clearly been in dereliction of your duties as Amy's husband and drug mule. She had to go out and find other people to ply her with narcotics and help her continue turning into the zombie of soul.

2. Who on earth has been tapping Amy Winehouse? What kind of chump would stick his dipper in her honey pot? Her body is like a walking petri dish, there is no way that she is not riddled, from her greasy head to her hammer toes, with any number of diseases form Hepatitus A through Z, leprosy, mange and most certainly lupus. You would either have to have the ability to heal yourself, like Wolverine, or be one crazy mother, like Wolverine, to even dare go there. I for one wouldn't wish to shake this guy/s hand. Not unless I was glazed in Purell first.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...please!

Why do I always feel let down by the weatherpeople on TV when it comes to their predictions regarding snow?

Between yesterday and this morning we were set to get 3"-6" of snow and I am sure we did not. To me 3"-6" is a blanket of snow where everything is covered. What we had when I woke up was far from a blanket, I could see through the snow to the grey and orange of the rooftops beneath. I was not and am not happy. The weatherpeople got it wrong.

The reason I want the snow is not even to gain a day off school, it's Sunday for one...and I am 28 years old. I'm not even angling for a day off work, again it's Sunday and I am currently looking for work. It is my inner child that wants the snow, my inner child that wants to go out and make snow angels in the street, throw a snowball at a window then run away, or perhaps build a very droll looking snowman.

Perhaps I should be happy that my inner adult can be calm. I don't have to worry about the snow becoming an obstacle to my life, I can drive the car to the supermarket if needed, even though we have enough soup in the house to last a month.

I'm being too pessimistic, lets look at this glass as half full. At least now we maybe able to go into New York tomorrow, for the first time together since we moved in, and maybe we can have a nice lunch out and maybe...oh fu*k it I wanted snow!