New York drivers are something special

I have learned many things about New York City in the six months we have lived here. One such thing is that New York drivers love using that car horn. Anyone who has spent time in NYC will know that the traffic is very noisy and that drivers here are an impatient bunch. If you are driving and find yourself stopped at a light, if you are not away the split second the light turns green you are guaranteed to hear an obnoxious cacophony rising up behind you. Not sure why NYC traffic lack the decorum of drivers in any other cities I have been to, maybe it is because...I can't even come up with anything funny here. (cont)

Side note - just watching the dog dreaming and its very cute to see him twitching and snorting

(cont) I know we are in a fast paced city full of movers and shakers but just leave ten minutes earlier that way you wont have to be so impatient.

I have seen people honking in ridiculous situations. I have seen people honk when they can clearly see up the street to where traffic is gridlocked. Where are people to go? The average car horn is not empowered with Moses' talents to part obstacles. The line of cars are not magically going to part by you making some noise to tell everyone else stuck in the same jam of your inability to wait.

But yesterday I saw honking in the most ridiculous of situations. Walking down 9th Avenue to my improv practice I heard that familiar sound of annoyed vehicular operators and turned to look at the inevitable clusterfuck. And what did I see? A fire engine! Not a fire engine out for a Wednesday night cruise but one that was responding to an emergency call! The guys were disconnecting their hoses from the water supply in the middle of the street and people were honking them. I guess the post-911 respect for the FDNY has expired and now they merely get treated like the rest of us proles.

Is the plural of nemesis nemesises or nemisi?

It turns out to be nemeses, I am sure one of those bright spelling bee kids would have told me. Any way I ask because currently the dog, Thomas Jefferson, is being tormented by his nemeses, the two squirrels that run around the rooftop of the house next door and on our window ledges.

I have no doubt that they know what they are doing, you can see it in their eyes (squirrels are not 24/7 for nuts like most people think). They like to sit as near to our windows as they can get and stare in as Tommy looks back and it drives him wild. I am not sure he would know what to do with a squirrel should he catch one but boy does he want the chance. He becomes quite mesmerized by their squirelly antics and it really gets him excited. One time Tommy actually leapt at an open window to get at one and had it not been for the screen on the window he would have got quite a surprise falling from a third story window.

Tommy actually got so excited he just left me a little present in his litter tray, that is right he is house trained (now if only we could train him to flush it). But know he is back to spying on his mortal enemies who I suspect are planning an attack on the apartment, an attack which I hope Tommy will protect us from. Squirrels may be bat shit crazy but Thomas Jefferson can mix it up when he needs to.

I gots to be bloggin'

This is a blog of statements and questions. Lets get this shit moving:

1. Why are the most popular TV shows filled with the most obnoxious characters? Speaking of obnoxious why are these The Real Housewives Of... shows even on? Why do you want to watch a group of cunchs behaving like twats, they never seem to even get on with one another!

2. Why is it after investing days/weeks/months reading a book does the last page really drag?

3. What percentage of the free peppers you get in a Papa John's pizza get eaten?

4. I have my improv class graduation show on Saturday and I don't even feel nervous.

5. Time travels slowest when sitting on a plane after it has landed but before it docks for disembarking.

6. A 147 in snooker is the most skilled sporting escapade. There is little to no room for error for 36 consecutive shots, on a 12 foot table!

7. My two favourite songs of 2007 were Ruby by The Kaiser Chiefs and Umbrella by Rihanna.

8. Are tramps people who really just like camping? And I am guessing they are smart because they live in cities which are on average 2 to 3 degrees warmer than rural areas.

9. Finding stuff to blog about is tough (as can be seen from today's effort).

10. I would like to try skiing/snowboarding.

11. The place in the world I would most like to go is Machu Picchu or it might be the temperate rainforests in Washington (I can't decide).

12. I find swearing funny but comedy that doesn't resort to it is possibly more rewarding.

These are my pearls for the moment...not those kind of pearls you dirty bastard!

Twittering my nuts off!

So I have discovered Twitter (ollywade if you are interested) and it takes commitment. Although unlike blogging what you post is like a mental belch, at 140 characters you can't write War and Peace like I feel the need to do with a blog. You just fire out whatever you are thinking at the time, and if what you are thinking is a load of rubbish it doesn't matter because sooner or later you feel the need to tweet about something else.

I like it, I like the canvas it allows me. I always think of things that amuse me as I go about the world and with Twitter I no longer have to keep those things to myself. Everyone else can now listen. So now I just have the pressure to be witty and whimsical, I don't want to disappoint myself. Also it allows me the opportunity to listen in on the thoughts of the famous to which I have attached myself by the umbilical chord of Twitter.

This has turned out to be quite a short post so I shall now list some words that entertain me:

Gubernatorial, realm, plunge, malady, plinth, quench, fumble, viking, bilge, satchel.

There are also words that I do not enjoy with such vigor but I will not be publishing those as my enemies could use them against me.

As gay as bunting

I have just been reading on the BBC news site about the Miss USA competition that just ran this past weekend. Apparently Miss California came in second because she opposes gay marriage. Here is a sample from the Beeb's story:

During the televised event, Carrie Prejean - Miss California - said she believed that "a marriage should be between a man and a woman".

She had been asked for her views on the subject by one of the judges, celebrity blogger Perez Hilton.

"We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage," said Ms Prejean, in a section of the show that has become a popular clip on YouTube.

"I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman," she continued.

"No offence to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised."

The remarks drew a mixture of booing and applause from the audience.

Now I am a supporter of gay marriage because I don't believe that anyone deserves fewer rights than myself and I find it abhorrent that one section of society believes that they can keep something from another section of society. However I also feel that someone has a right to an opinion, regardless of its ignorance, particularly one that is so prevalent. It is not like she admitted to murder being her favorite hobby or did some goose stepping during the talent portion of the show. Her opinion is wrong but so are many others. The question was asked (by Perez Hilton I might add, which I am sure is not his real name) and the Miss gave a truthful answer. I hope that this wasn't the entire reason for her losing the competition. And since when do we look to the Misses of American States to be the voices of reason, they aren't handing out Nobel prizes to these girls they are basically ranking them in order of attractiveness. I think Miss California's worst crime was not knowing her audience (I assume the auditorium was jammed with queens). I can only assume that Miss North Carolina (the recipient of the winning crown) did a better job of hiding any bigotry that she may or may not have*.

* I in no way endorse Miss North Carolina's possible bigotry.

Movie related things that annoy/excite me

I love the movies and I hate it when they are treated like a red headed step child.

1. Censorship is something that I appreciate but it sure can get my goat. If you are a cable channel showing Total Recall at 1:00 pm on a Saturday afternoon what are you thinking!?! My memory of Total Recall is that it lasts longer than 20 minutes. If I remember correctly there is a lot of blood and a woman with three boobs. Cutting a movie to fit a time slot is bad enough but cutting for content is wrong. R rated movies are clearly not appropriate for showing in the afternoon so don't. Show them late at night so they can be appreciated the way they were made. At 1:00 pm show a good kids film, there are plenty and these don't need to be butchered like a rack of lamb.

2. An extension of point 1 is movies that are made for a rating that is not in keeping with the canon to which the film is being added. Two cases in point are Die Hard 4 and Alien vs Predator. Both were made and released as PG-13 with the only reason being money. 10 year olds shouldn't be allowed to see these movies, they should have to wait till their mid-teens to enjoy these flicks like I did. You have to earn it. These are the movies that you spend your formative years wanting to see but that your mum wont let you. Then one day a friend brings out his older brother's copy and your horizons are broadened exponentially.

3. Movies made and released based entirely on a fortuitous date. The Omen was remade in 2005 so that it could be released on 6/6/06. Friday the 13th was just released on Christmas Day (no of course not, it was released 2/13/09). A relevant date is not a reason to make a movie! Please tell me that there is some originality left in Hollywood. Remakes should only be allowed if the original had a great concept but was poorly done or if you are completely revisioning the film. Merely rehashing the original does not count and Hollywood must be stopped! I don't think it can be though, its like Amy Winehouse at an all-you-can-shoot up buffet.

This whole blog has been a bit rant so here is something I love about movies. I love the little notes that come under the ratings (like Drug Use, Violence on a R rated movie). But they can be much more interesting than my examples. I remember seeing a kids movie poster that mentioned that the film contained mild peril. Genius!

This makes no sense right?

I was riding on the bus the other day, into Manhattan, and I happened to look up at the ceiling. My eyes laid on to an advert which read, "Yes there is a quicker way.", was espousing the quickness of the New York ferry, a rival mode of transport to the bus. I know economic times are tough but accepting advertising revenue from a major rival? That makes no sense to me.

It reminds me of times when I have been listening to the radio and the presenter decides to tell the listenership what is on TV that night! Why? Television, since its invention, has murdered radio so why help them? Its like if someone shot you and whilst you are bleeding out you took the gun and pistol whipped yourself to death. I don't understand this. Am I missing something? Restaurants seem to agree with me because when you go to McDonald's they don't read you the specials at Red Lobster!

You know that times are tough when...

you are working two jobs and THEY ARE BOTH UNPAID! I started a second internship today and I think it will be much better for me than the other one. It is a smaller company, a skeleton staff and I will see much more of the inner workings of a production company. I will pick up more skills and if not with these guys I will be much nearer to someone wanting to pay me to work for them. Which will be nice.

Riding home on the bus tonight the women sat behind me were chatting to one another, they were clearly friends. One lady said to the other "Isn't she pregnant?" and the other replied "Hypothetically." Hypothetically? How can you be hypothetically pregnant? You either are or you aren't, just go to a doctor and they can confirm it. The "hypothetically" can be removed. I am hypothetically pregnant, I am also hypothetically a marshmallow but again if I went to a doctor both things could be clarified!

We have just finished watching The Bachelor finale, we didn't watch any of the season. That show is an abomination! The bachelor gave the ring to one girl, then changed his mind and dumped her only to hook up with the other girl he had previously let go! Outrageous! How did he pull this off? Talk about having your cake and eating it too. He ate the cake he chose originally and then got an entirely new cake! How much cake does one guy need? Hmmmm cake.

Walking my way back to you babe!

I like walking. Which is fortunate as my position as unpaid intern involves a fair bit of it. "Please drop this tape stock off at 37th Street", "Please pick up this battery from 24th", and as long as the stuff is carryable then I will walk rather than take a cab. I like it because this gives me a great view of Manhattan and helps me learn the lay of the land. I get to exercise and not being on public transport is a plus for a myriad of reasons (reasons relating to economics, the environment, my own health!).

I have always explored the surrounding area whenever I start a new job. It was the same in London, every lunch break would have me walk in a different direction to see what was what. What shops are around? Where is the nearest store if I need a Coke? What are the best local lunch spots? It's because I am inquisitive, and I like to know what I can get to eat...and it makes the most of the time I get out of the office. I just enjoy walking about. You get to see what other people are up to. Where are they are going? Where have they come from? Why would you wear that hat? I think that my ideal job would be walking and getting paid for it. Up and down the avenues, zigzagging across the streets. There is a great freedom to just being able to walk. Mum always says that see can never imagine me working in an office and you know what she is right (mothers are right a good 95% of the time...as much as we like to think otherwise). So this has me thinking about how I can get paid to walk, maybe I can turn this into one of those books where someone does something a bit out of the ordinary for an entire year and retells that year in writing with much hilarity.

Video games killed the radio games star!?!?!?!!?

No that title would never have worked. The Buggles were right to reject it.

Video games have been a large portion of my life and that portion is beginning to reduce in size, like a deflating balloon. I started gaming at about seven when my Dad bought the family an Atari. I have since owned a Super Nintendo, numerous PCs, Playstation, Nintendo GBA, Playstation 2 (two, one in the US and one in England), Nintendo DS, X-Box 360, and a Nintendo Wii. I have played games with a joystick, keyboard, mouse, controller, Wii controller, a plastic guitar on systems using disks, CDs, DVDs, cartridges, even games I downloaded! And I do wonder what it has all brought me?

I guess I do have pretty good hand eye coordination (as seen by my peeling of a sweet potato with a kitchen knife, "Look ma 10 fingers!"). And I do pick things up quite quickly which I attribute to the numerous different control systems I have learned over the years. But now I do find my self wanting to play less and less and this at a time where the technology is getting more powerful and the games are looking better and better. And the games I choose to play have changed. I used to play sports games nearly all the time (soccer, football, tennis, golf, you name it I have played a pixellated version of it), this was the closest I could get to the professional level. I lived out my dreams through the computer screen, until about five years ago I always thought that if I lost a bit of weight and just practiced that I could make it, that the natural talent was there! Mainly at soccer but now I am more realistic. At 28 most professionals are younger than me, although I do still think that give me one year at either pool or darts and I would get pretty darn good. As my interest in sport has dwindled my love of film has grown. Now I prefer playing games of a more cinematic nature, now I shoot zombies not the ball, I leap across rooftops not over hurdles. I want a story wrapped up with scenarios you can only experience in movies, or if you are a member of the criminal fraternity!

I guess that maybe I am growing up? But games are not just for kids, I was a kid when I started but I am part of the first generation of gamers, a generation who has a chance to play games throughout their entire lives. I bet in 40 years there will be plenty of octogenarians playing Wii 12 (or Wiiiiiiiiiiiii).

I think my big fear is the time that is stolen by video gaming. You can lose yourself for hours in a game and have no recollection of what has happened, what the time is or even where you are. I can recall sessions of gaming at university where I didn't blink for about 8 hours! And now as I approach my thirties I am conscious of what I want to achieve in my life and what it will take. I need to be creative on a daily basis. I can't afford to lose an entire weekend to a world where I'm in control of a pirate, a gangster or a very fast car. I need to be lucid and doing stuff that advances me and will cross over into my work life. Being funny, writing, filming. Whatever it takes I need to be doing it. Games are just another form of entertainment in which people lose themselves which is perfectly acceptable but it has had a control over me which I have to overcome other wise I will wind up at forty-five wondering how do I get off level 1?

Or maybe I just need to get some new games...to Best Buy!

The Oscars

So The Oscars are on tonight and awards will be handed out to the great and good of Hollywood who have been either great or good in a selection of last year's movies. The Oscars are an annual event but here are some little known facts about the awards:

1. The Oscars were started in 1774 by a soothsayer, Oscar Von Waffle, who foresaw the Lumiere Brother's invention. Oscar was seen as a better name for an award given for greatness in an as-of-yet-created medium than a Von Waffle. Oscar Von Waffle was later burned at the stake.

2. The Oscar statues given to the winners are made of chocolate and are wrapped in gold leaf. Meryl Streep has eaten at least half of her awards.

3. Anna Paquin won an Oscar at the age of 11, or so it was believed. She was actually 18 years old when she won but was just very small!

4. Oscar speeches are famously kept to but a few minutes in length as the music kicks in whenever an overly grateful recipient wants to thank everyone s/he knows. This practice was famously introduced back in 1953 after Humphrey Bogart, after winning for The African Queen, spoke for over 2 hours!

5. No dog has ever won an Oscar, although walruses have claimed three statues.

6. Finally winning an Oscar, in 2007 for The Departed, after being nominated six times previously Martin Scorsese described himself as chuffed!

7. Jack Nicholson wears his sunglasses every year to the awards so that he can have a nap if he gets bored.

8. The Oscars are quite obnoxious as it really is a bit much lauded all these incredibly attractive, talented millionaires. But yet we watch.

9. No Paraguayan actor has ever won, been nominated or even attended The Oscars. In fact no Paraguayan has ever heard of The Oscars.

10. The Oscars are on now so I have to go.

Four word film reviews

This is a funny website, www.fwfr.com. It is not one of those sites that you lose yourself in for hours but 15 minutes can go by and you have not noticed it but you feel warm inside. Anywho I had a idea for a four word film review for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button which Bec and I saw last week.

Forrest Gump minus retardation.

The film's similarity to Forrest Gump, that I had seen, was confirmed when I read the Empire review and Ian Freer mentioned it. Lets see what else I can come up with.

The Great Escape - Steve McQueen, enough said!

Aliens - Like Alien but plural.

Tropic Thunder - Downey Jr steals show.

Aliens vs Predator: Requiem - Studio rapes both franchises.

This is all I can come up with at the moment but this topic may be returned to at a later date.

A questionnaire

Back in London when I worked at MPSGI me and a colleague used to ask each other questions, via e-mail, to make the days go quicker. This was 2006 and now I fancy answering my own questions:

1. Northampton or Southampton? - I have been to neither, well I drove through Northampton once. I am going for Northampton as it contains the word North and I am from the North of England. Although I am sure Southampton is actually nicer than its northern equivalent.
2. Have you ever growled at anyone in public? - No but I wish I could say yes. Maybe I will do that next time someone gets in my way.
3. Would you rather win a Grammy or an Oscar? - I'm a movie fan who likes to act a bit so I would want to grab a golden statue. Plus I can't play music so a Grammy is out of the question, unless they give them out for Guitar Hero (even then I struggle on Medium difficulty).
4. Coco-pops or Frosties? - A tough one this. I never feel Coco-pops are that chocolaty so I will say Frosties. Maybe I should try mixing both but the result would most likely be a diabetic coma.
5. Favourite European Capital City other than London? - Paris, or Gay Paris, or the smelly capital of France. Bec and I love this place and I would like to live there one day. I should never have given up French at 13 to study German. Merde!
6. Who invented the lift? - Mr Otis. He was from Chicago, his name can be seen in many of the world's lifts (or elevators) as Otis is a leading purveyor of human lifting systems.
7. In a post-apocalyptic world you are a member of a motley crew of misfits trying to save the world against…zombies, vampires, aliens or walking plants? Zombies because a true zombie can be outrun (rage victims are not strictly zombies). Vampires fly after you and bite you, aliens probe you and walking plants make you blind.
8. Do you believe the Great Wall of China can be seen from space? - People always say that it can be but it can't as it is too thin. Seeing it from space would be like looking at a piece of string from the top of The Empire State Building (this is an unproven ratio that I have just made up so please don't quote me).
9. Morecombe and Wise or Two Ronnies? - Two classic British comedy duos from the 70s and on. Hard to choose, the edge goes to Morecombe and Wise.
10. In the movie of your life who plays you? - I like this question that I created myself. It would have to be someone who has acting chops but who can also bring the funny. Maybe Sam Rockwell or Steve Carrell would be good. I hope my life story would be full of mirth.
11. Do you say pro-ven or pru-ven? - Proven should be said pru-ven not pro-ven! This is one of life's imperative lessons. It really pigs me off when people say pro-ven.
12. Would sterilization work as a deterrent to anti-social behaviour? - Fo shiz! It would certainly help we just have not had the leaders to stand behind such a radical program that clearly breaks every human right code in the Big Book of Human Rights. But come one we have all walked past people on the street, either with manky children in tow or who you can tell will produce manky progeny, and thought to ourselves "If only I had Superman's heat vision I could fix them right now".
13. Favourite planet? - Uranus for comedy value but I have always had a soft spot for Neptune.
14. Favourite element on the periodic table - A tough one indeed. Argon has its perks as does Bismuth. I like the elements near the end with stupid names like Americium or Dysprosium. I pass on this question, its like being asked which of your kids you like best.
15. Did you ever buy a poster from Athena? If so which one? - I am sure I did but it wasn't the lady tennis player scratching her arse. Or any of those magic eye pictures to which people would always say "Oh yes I see the dolphin" to wit I say "There was no dolphin". You only way you were seeing a dolphin was if you were on LSD.
16. Favourite Simpson character who isn’t a Simpson? - Good question Olly, why there are so many...I would have to say...I will give a top 3 (in no particular order) Prof. Frink, Chief Wiggum and Lenny.
17. Continent Excluding Antarctica you would least like to visit? - Probably Africa, at least Asia has Japan.
18. Worst movie seen at the cinema? - Wild Wild West was horrid but even worse was Hurlyburly, a David Mamet play. A film with a superb cast but completely wasted on bilge.
19. Oxford or Cambridge? - Oxford, we lived there and I have never been to Cambridge.
20. Do holiday snaps have to have the tourist in them? - No they do not! I believe you went to the Taj Mahal because you are showing me a picture taken there, you don't have to stand there pretending to lean on it when in fact you are 200 metres away. I don't believe that you would have made up a story about being there and found any old picture to use as evidence.
21. You have to make a sequel to a film, what do you sequelise? - Another Princess Bride would be a riot but the death of Andre the Giant leaves a big hole, literally! If not that then maybe Remains of the Day 2!!!
22. Who would be your wresting alter-ego? - The Vanishing Coward! See him duck, see him evade, see him run out of the ring.
23. I neither like the name flip-flop or the flip-flop itself. Is there something which you do like but hate the name of or vice-versa? - Tiffin, a British cake is lovely but the saying of its name is like nails down a chalkboard.

74%. Yes a C!

Things that I believed as a child

One of the greatest things about growing up is the accumulation of knowledge that accompanies the changes that take you from a 10 lb baby who just wants to drink milk and poop to a 200+ lb man who still likes milk as long as its mixed with Lucky Charms, and who still poops. You learn things through observing others, while other knowledge is acquired through direct action. For example telling a woman to keep her hair on does not result in a positive response if that woman is your mother and not drying your hands properly can result in you losing grip on your new purple, dinosaur shaped piggy bank which you inexplicably took to the bathroom for no other reason than the fact you were so enamored with it. I can still remember my levels of distress as I picked up the pieces off the floor.

I think it is funny to look back on the things that you believed as a child but which were totally untrue:

1. I believed that the world was black and white until the 1960s. This made sense because everything on TV from the 60s or earlier was monochrome. I don't know when I learned that this was not the case but I like to imagine a world where color just appeared one day and finally a small percentage of the population were able to be colorblind. Thinking about colors reminds me of the times when I would be deep in thought about whether what I saw as a color was the same as what the next person saw? This has never been answered, regardless of what color you see if you are told it is red will you forever call it red, even if it is blue? This is very confusing for a child, and it still is for a manchild such as myself.

2. I thought that for a man to impregnate a women he had to wee in her. This seems fair because for the first 10-13 years of your life only one fluid is coming out of your man bits. This does bring into question the sex education I received because I clearly knew the act that was taking place I just had no concept of the processes involved. I guess you could say I knew that people liked cupcakes but ignorant of the fact that making them needs flour! (Does that analogy work?)

3. I believed that calculators had to have every answer to every sum manually typed in. Obviously this raised enormous questions about the man hours involved and the knowledge required to correctly input the solutions to really large sums. I guess once I learned of the wonders of computer chips this gap in my knowledge was filled but for a few years I believed that calculator engineers at Casio and T.I. (Texas Instruments not the rapper) were the smartest guys in the world.

Oh the naivety of youth.

Proud of my beloved Owls

The story coming out of Hillsborough, the ground of my football team Sheffield Wednesday, is that for the next two years the sponsorship on our shirt will be donated to the Sheffield Children's Hospital. This move will obviously cost the club a few hundred thousand pounds but it is a great move for a couple of reasons:

1. Our recent sponsors have been crap (barring the genius of Chupa Chups we have had a casino and an Internet company in recent years neither of which were known by anybody).
2. Seriously this is a great boost to a local charity/organisation that is of vital importance to the city of Sheffield and the health of its kids.

I spent a lot more time at the hospital than I would have wished as a child. They helped pull a button/pin out of my lip (I was about four but even at that age I think I realised what I was doing was stupid), stopped the bleeding after I put my hand through glass door (chasing my sister and her friend), and mended both a broken thumb (I didn't save a shot during a football game, "I let a goal in and break my thumb? That sucks!" and little finger (doing a power slide on my knees in the school hall, I am convinced all the girls watching were blown away). I think that this move is good for all concerned, it gets exposure for Wednesday, during a time when we could all forgive the club for making as much money as they can, who have chosen an altruistic path. But most important is that a Sheffield institution gets some appreciation, the accolades, for decades of hard work. I for one will be buying the new shirt.

I assume the "base" comes from "freebase"?

Because of the drugs you see! I am referring to baseball and today's confession, to yesterday's hot story. Alex Rodriguez (New York Yankee Third Baseman) admitted that he did take steroids between 2001-3. And that he did lie about it during a TV interview. Oh the uproar!

What do people expect? Baseball is clearly, and has been for some time, riddled with players who have used steroids to enhance their abilities. Like a superhero power but one that makes your dick shrivel up. It is no surprise that people want to be stronger, quicker, recover faster from injury, these things can make the difference between $5 and $20 million a year. And don't get me started on homers, we all know that chicks dig the long ball.

Rodriguez should be upset with himself. He was arguably the best player in baseball and lots of people adore him (lots of people also hate him and they are licking their lips about this revelation) and he will no doubt lose some of his endorsements, fans, and a surefire place in the Hall of Fame. But he must be pissed with the MLB. The results of the test he failed were supposed to be anonymous and A-Rod was tested (alongside 103 other players) just so that the authorities would know the percentages of players using. No one was supposed to be punished!

But now A-Rod will be punished. He should lose some credibility because I think that sports should be played on even playing fields. Cheats should be dealt with harshly as we all want to know that the best players can do what they do because of their natural talent, not because of what animal hormone or growth serum their dealer is shooting them up with. But it is the baseball authorities that should be most appalled by this. They have repeatedly dropped the ball on the issue of steroids for the last decade. They clearly have no grasp at all on how to stop people from cheating, how to punish them, even how to keep some test results under wraps! They have been a shambles. Apparently Bud Selig, the commissioner, gets like $17 million a year which is a f*cking disgrace. If I was A-Rod I would be suing the MLB for loss of future earnings because he has not been punished by them, and wont be, but he will be hung in the court of public opinion. I have no time for drug cheats but I have even less time for incompetence and stupidity and the MLB have been both.

'cause I'm the taxman....

What is it with these adverts on the TV for law firms that can get your tax debt reduced? I don't understand how this set up works. The clients get themselves into tax debt, I can only assume by not paying the taxes that they owe. So they have a debt, according to these adverts sometimes as much as $500,000! What these lawyers seem to do is settle these debts for pennies on the dollar. The debtors end up paying off like 20% of the total debt.

Now I understand that sometimes creditors will accept a reduced figure just to settle, this is business so OK. But these people OWE MONEY! THEY HAVE TO PAY TAXES! Everyone else does, unless you are set for a position in the Obama administration (I don't blame Obama for this though, the honeymoon continues!). If these debts have grown so high because of unreasonable penalties and fees I am fine with these being reduced but the amount of taxes owed shouldn't change. People shouldn't be able to avoid paying their taxes only to pay a reduced sum at a later date, that is not right! Taxes, although annoying and somewhat high, are necessary and improve the world in which we live. So pay up people! OK rant over!

Aren't puppies cute...

Things that make me go hmmmm...(part 2)

Today I had to run some errands for the production company. I was zipping up and down the streets and avenues of NYC like I owned the place, I don't however...I think Donald Trump does. Along the way some things caught my eye/s.

Octo-mum - this is the story of the woman in California who has just given birth to octuplets, in addition to the six other kids she already has! Maybe it is the comic book geek within but I was disappointed when I found out the truth because I thought that there was a women out there with eight limbs, which I thought was cool. Like Doctor Octopus from Spiderman. Or a normal octopus.

Gladiator shoes - walking past a shoe store window I saw those god awful strappy shoes that have become the trend. If I had walked into Prada or Ralph Lauren four years ago and said "gladiator shoes, think about it" I would have been escorted out of the fashion show. Who convinced the manufacturers that skinny girls out there wanted to dress up like Spartacus? And what is worse is that they do! They do want to look like a roman centurion. I hear togas are the must wear item in '09.

What does change smell like? - walking past some street merchants selling knock off cologne and perfume (think Huge Buss and Kevin Kline No 1) I saw one scent with President Obama emblazoned across the box with The Stars and Stripes in the background. It was called Change. I imagine that this smells like a mixture of new puppy, fresh laundry and unicorn farts. I bet that Republicans are hoping it quite quickly begins to smell like disappointment and "I told you so".

Multiple-personality disorder issues - seeing a poster for Toni Collette's new show, The United States of Tara, about a mother with multiple personality disorder, made me think it must be very difficult to plan ahead with this illness. Like with laundry, if you don't know who is turning up tomorrow how do you know what clothes need to be washed? Does one personality know about the other ones? Does they operate on a roster system? Logistically this must be very hard on all concerned. In Tara one of the personalities is male, does the husband still get to have sex with his wife who is still, by the laws of science, a vagina club member? This must be very taxing. I think that multiple-personality disorder sufferers would make Wife Swap more interesting.

Internship

Tomorrow is my second day at my internship at a New York television production company. Thank you, I know what you are thinking "well done Olly, you are a legend, we love you", but before you get carried away the internship is only two days a week and it is unpaid. Yes unpaid! I know the economy is tough but yes there are jobs out there that don't even pay a thing, not even one dime.

This is because the job is in media. An industry that collectively generates billions of dollars yearly, and the company I am with seems to be doing a nice line in TV shows, movies and other digital entertainment. And yet they can't throw anything my way, not a travel stipend or even a free biscuit (I get free tea and coffee but as of yet no biscuits). I can't bemoan this scenario though, it is exactly what I am looking for. I am playing the game, you need to start at the bottom of the ladder and hope that you can grab the lowest rung and pull yourself up. So this is what I have to do. It looks like in the weeks to come I will be able to go on some shoots and hopefully I will be able to acquire some skills that enable me to get paid for work, the sooner the better!

Things that make me go hmmmm...

How long before you need your hair to look good should you get a haircut? You get your haircut and it looks great that day, the professional you are paying (unless your get your haircut by your Mum for free, a Mum who is not a hairdresser) has put gel/wax/hairspray on it and has styled it up nice. Then for a period of days after you get the haircut you can't get it looking anything like t did when you left the salon. But then one day, and I think your hair needs a week, it has grown out just enough and you look good. I think there should be some university studies to calculate the exact time needed because we all know maths solves stuff.

Is graffiti frowned upon because the sentiments are usually negative? Graffiti can be so rude, like "We hate Dave, he sucks. Call his Mom on 555...". Would we have such an issue with public defacement if it said "Dave is a legend, he helps kids with dyslexia. We love Dave"?

Would being turned into a vampire be so bad? You would get bitten but you would still be you, just you with a thirst for blood. Unlike being turned into a zombie, rage sufferer or werewolf, you don't get too mashed up. Some people even find vampirism sexual but you don't get turned on by zombies (well you certainly shouldn't). Zombie love would be like having sex with a dead leper who wants to eat you.

Is it necessary for the victims of horror movie killers to be gorgeous? Would we not watch these films if the cast was not rammed with eye candy? Is it a schadenfreude thing? Would we not enjoy seeing normal looking people being butchered, maybe we would be too upset by that and wouldn't come back for the inevitable sequels. Maybe it is like animals in films? I will see humans being blown up, murdered and killed in myriad of ways and not bat an eyelid. But harm one hair on the head of a cute animal and I am crying like an Oscar winner going through a messy divorce.

The worst smell I ever smelt

This post is inspired by a smell Thomas Jefferson (our dog not the dead president) made last night after eating sweet potatoes for the first time. It was possibly the second worst smell I have ever experienced.

The number one smell occurred in our flat in South Hampstead, London, back in 2006. The plughole in our bath started to back up and began to produce this black, lumpy sludge that I remember describing, in an e-mail I sent to Bec, as a "hell smell". I can only surmise it came from Hell, there or some equally inhospitable place (like West Texas, really what is the point?).

The smell left an indelible mark on my nasal passage, it smelt like a combination of garbage, rotting vegetables, death, men's locker room stench and New Orleans on a hot, summer day. Thankfully by the time I returned from work the pungent ooze had receded from whence it came , and after putting a bottle of pipe unblocker down the plughole it never returned again. It was a victory for all humankind, particularly me.

Two words you never thought would appear in the same sentence...

YouTube and The Vatican! Yes, Pope Benedict XVI has launched The Vatican's own channel on the popular website. I can see it the videos now, cardinals walking into doors, alter boys pouring tubes of Mentoes into bottles of Coke or perhaps the scandal of a video appearing showing a priest having his wicked way with a minor (you know the tapes are out there).

Vatican officials say it the site is aimed at everyone "from devout Catholics to the casual web user.", I see...if you can't bring the mountain to Mohammed. I think there are too many distractions for the young on the web as is, free games, videos of squirrels waterskiing, and porn, and I don't see how the Catholic Church will be able to acquire a segment of the youth market. Saying that they do give out free booze on Sundays. It is apparently the blood of Christ but it seems more like a ful bodied merlot.

Apparently the Pope has always been "fond of new technology", I can see him now reading The Bible on his Kindle. I bet he has The Da Vinci Code hidden on there somewhere, "its a page turner!". Would he be fired for reading Dan Brown's novel? Can the Pope lose his job? Or can only God decide the length of employment?

The news that the Catholic Church is embracing new media shouldn't surprise me. I forget how progressive the Catholic Church is what with their opinions on contraception, homosexuals and child molestation ("avert your eyes!"). Thes is exactly what we need, more religion. And now it is available at the click of a button

An abundance of caution

I love this phrase. Officials for new President Barack Obama are using it to describe why the Oath of Office was repeated last night at the White House over concern that the muddling of words during the oath at the inauguration could lead to legal issues. As soon as Obama paused I knew something would come up. I thought Fux news (not a typo!) would say that this slip proved Obama's terroristic tendencies as he was unable to commit to the red, white and blue (“his middle name sounds funny, he's a witch!”, “Burn him!”).

This story got me thinking of other times/situations that require an abundance of caution:
1. Eating whilst driving, a) it can be dangerous, b) nothing is worse than having half a Whopper Jr fall in your lap (yes a Whopper Jr, the Sr is too heavy for road trippin').
2. Ironing clothes while wearing them. It's not big and it's not clever!
3. Watching the end of any episode of a reality TV show, specifically the “on next weeks show” part because it usually tells you EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WEEK! So that you don't actually need to watch (maybe that is the point?)
4. Approaching Britney Spears. Don't believe the comeback hype she is still as crazy as a rabid wolverine on Mountain Dew!
5. Putting your johnson back in any pants with a zipper, particularly when you are drunk. Numerous circumcisions are performed by accident this way every year.
6. Doing heavy lifting after a large lunch.
7. Swimming at the beach (look out for rip tides, sharks and used condoms).
8. Playing with fire, unless you are an arsonist in which case play on.

If in doubt just think what would Jesus do?...
9. Don't piss off the Romans with your preaching and that.

Its a new day for the United States of America

So today is the first day at work for new President Barack Obama (I consider yesterday a half day, and the work he did was predominantly eating, walking and dancing at balls) and America rejoices. Finally we have the President in charge who the country voted for over two months ago (surely delaying the inauguration until the 20th of January made sense when people were travelling across the US on horse and cart but in the age of the interweb and Pop-Tarts why can't the new guy/gal start on the 20th of November, or better still the 6th!) and now he can get to work righting the ship that was the USS Bush's Fu*k up.

Having Obama in charge is reassuring for many reasons (some of which I will list below):
1. He actually wants to do the job. Bush has been phoning it in for the last 18 months, I think he saw the whole election as more of a transition period.
2. The war/s may end sooner and fewer of America's soldiers will be killed.
3. Obama is a man who will listen during cabinet meetings and wont be so distracted by his own excitement for the chocolate milk he has stored in the fridge.
4. Nor will Obama be coloring-in whilst Biden is talking.
5. The economy will be made a top priority and wont be allowed to sink further into the crapper (woohoo! people can work again).
6. The nation can be excited again. Just look at the inauguration, millions of people came to the capital from all over the country, not just to see Oprah, Denzel or Aretha (was it just me or was her singing a bit off?), but rather to see a brighter future embodied in one individual.
...146. HE IS NOT GEORGE W. BUSH! Or any other member of the Bush cabal.
As I said America rejoices!

Tony Hart RIP

To anyone who is British the passing of this TV legend comes with sadness but also many fond memories of watching the box as a child. Hartbeat was one of the foundations of kids TV in the 80s and I have many recollections of the Gallery (art sent in by kids) and of Tony's plasticine creation Morph. Tony Hart even created the original Blue Peter badge! How Tony Hart was not knighted is a travesty and a true legend of telly died today.

New airport opens at the end of our street

I have to admit that I found the news of an airplane landing in the Hudson river somewhat disturbing because the Hudson river is basically a 3 minute walk from home. Once I found out about the landing, from a phone call from Bec, I did go to gawk (like many other people) but the plane had drifted and so I couldn't see it. I felt that gawking was morally acceptably as no one was reported as dead. Of course the whole incident had a much more positive outcome than the last time planes came down in NY.

However the news can not let this matter go. I know this happened only yesterday but there is nothing else to report:
The plane came down.
Why?
Because a flock of geese flew into the engines (happens a lot but not to worry they say!?!).
Was anyone hurt?
Everyone survived, a few cases of hypothermia and some broken bones.
Job done there is nothing else to report, no terrorism to rail against, nothing suspicious happened with the plane that needs investigating but the news industry keeps on reporting. CNN were reporting today the incident under the banner of breaking news. It broke yesterday and is now clearly mended.

Unconfirmed reports from Washington suggest that George W. Bush had to be dissuaded from invading Canada after he feared the neighbouring country was using their national goose as a projectile to attack the US. The report continues that it was pointed out that Bush only had three more days to go in office ("so really what is the point"), that maple syrup can't be used to power cars and that he was being silly. Canada can rest facile.

Prison Break to end after the current season (4) ends

Didn't Prison Break end at the end of the first season when THEY BROKE OUT OF PRISON!!! The name of the show is quite explicit, it is a show about a prison from which there is a break. I have no problems with the show as a product, I hear it is very good. We have season 1 on box set but we are yet to watch it. The problem I have begins and ends with the name.

It is a bit like the British detective drama Taggart, about a detective called Taggart. This has been very successful since it began in 1983 even after the actor portraying Taggart died in 1995. At least do a spin off but the main character died the show is not the same.

Returning to Prison Break it appears to be one of those shows that was a success and they just had to make more. OK but at least do a spin off! Call it Crazy adventures of former convicts who performed a prison break otherwise you are kind of misleading people and that ain't right. Some of these shows just start and then have to continue because they are great, but the writers have no ideas beyond the original season. Look at Lost, what happened to the polar bears? What happened to the smoke machine that chased people around the island? I haven't started watching the last season yet but they got off the island and now they want back on! What the fu*k! Heroes is another show that basically tried to commit suicide with some rubbish shit in season 2, it is on the way back but the shark was approaching and wanted to be jumped over.

There is some great TV out there, I should know I watch enough, but sometimes it makes you just shake your head and nothing is worse that seeing a show you like die in front of your eyes each week. Except maybe becoming egg bound.

Why am I shouting?!?!?!?!

Why is is that the guys who flog Oxyclean both in the US (Billy Mays) and the U.K. (Barry Scott) spend the whole advert shouting? Can our attention not be caught by the quality cleaning potential of the product? It has clearly been decided by the marketing department that volume is the USP of Oxyclean.

The noise level is definitely on the rise on all adverts come to think about it. Every advert break on television requires the volume to be turned down, and with good cause because there is nothing more shocking than having the side effects of the latest ED pill rammed down your ear hole at over 100 decibels!

This post shows that I have a general issue with noise. I like reasonably loud music whilst in a car but I get very annoyed when people try to hold a conversation over the noise. If you want to have a chat turn the volume down but you can't have your Cake (a band) and chew the fat (a synonym for talking that suggests you are eating). This whole talking over music thing is one of the reasons that as a younger man I became allergic to clubbing, that and also because my deodorant didn't offer the female attracting qualities that more recent deodorant adverts suggest (now you can use a spray that turns you into chocolate...amazing!). My smell of choice had a more repellent function. All in all keep the noise down will you!

Rule Britania! Britannia rule the waves.

There were two great stories regarding the mother country today.

Firstly Tony Blair was in Washington DC to collect a medal given to him by George W. Bush for winning a three-legged race at the annual White House sports day...no he didn't I am being silly, he was disqualified. Blair was actually receiving America's highest civil honour, the Medal of Freedom. This was awarded for the staunch support given to the US by Britain in sending our young soldiers to be cannon fodder in the Middle East. This feels a little like one of those loyalty cards at Best Buy, you spend $1000 and they give you $5 back. Thousands of people (soldiers and civilians) have been killed but we clearly hit the total needed for the rewards voucher. Blair described the award as a "great honour" whilst Bush said "I knew that when either of us gets in a bind, there will be a friend on the other end of the phone,", is it just me or does that sound like the tagline from a Samaritan's advert?

Secondly another story that makes you go "Arrrggggghhhh!" is members of the Royal family being oblivious to their own offensiveness. Prince Harry, only a few years removed from wearing a Nazi armband to a fancy dress party (a secondary crime here was Prince Harry's lack of commitment to fancy dress as a concept, "What just the armband? Where is the rest of the uniform?"), was caught on tape calling a fellow soldier, of Asian descent, a derogatory term. The Palace assures us that no offense was meant and that the two are friends, which will surely appease the thousands of British Asians who could one day be under this ingrate's rule, surely...no? Also Prince Charles is in hot water for calling an Asian member of his polo club Sooty, although the story doesn't clear up whether this man is or was ever a chimney sweep. Again the statements being released in defence say that "no offence was meant", "look at the good work he has done over the years", "everybody says it don't they?", you know the usual stuff. What do you expect, look at the Grandfather/father (or should that be Fuhrer) Prince Phillip who has a list of offensive statements spoken that is as long as the Royal family gene pool is small. This is what you get with people who as a family used to own countries and then had their privileges taken away.

All in all it makes you proud to be a Brit, "Cuppa tea guv'nor?", "Oh go on then".

Are you serious!

I am not usually one to get too involved with celebrity gossip but there was a story today that caught my eye. I saw on the BBC website that Amy Winehouse's husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, is filing for divorce on grounds of her adultery. Now this raises at least two points:

1. Blake, don't you think that your recent incarceration in Pentonville prison is really the elephant in the room in this rancid relationship? You have been banged up for the best part of 18 months for having a fight, and some other nonsense, so you have clearly been in dereliction of your duties as Amy's husband and drug mule. She had to go out and find other people to ply her with narcotics and help her continue turning into the zombie of soul.

2. Who on earth has been tapping Amy Winehouse? What kind of chump would stick his dipper in her honey pot? Her body is like a walking petri dish, there is no way that she is not riddled, from her greasy head to her hammer toes, with any number of diseases form Hepatitus A through Z, leprosy, mange and most certainly lupus. You would either have to have the ability to heal yourself, like Wolverine, or be one crazy mother, like Wolverine, to even dare go there. I for one wouldn't wish to shake this guy/s hand. Not unless I was glazed in Purell first.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...please!

Why do I always feel let down by the weatherpeople on TV when it comes to their predictions regarding snow?

Between yesterday and this morning we were set to get 3"-6" of snow and I am sure we did not. To me 3"-6" is a blanket of snow where everything is covered. What we had when I woke up was far from a blanket, I could see through the snow to the grey and orange of the rooftops beneath. I was not and am not happy. The weatherpeople got it wrong.

The reason I want the snow is not even to gain a day off school, it's Sunday for one...and I am 28 years old. I'm not even angling for a day off work, again it's Sunday and I am currently looking for work. It is my inner child that wants the snow, my inner child that wants to go out and make snow angels in the street, throw a snowball at a window then run away, or perhaps build a very droll looking snowman.

Perhaps I should be happy that my inner adult can be calm. I don't have to worry about the snow becoming an obstacle to my life, I can drive the car to the supermarket if needed, even though we have enough soup in the house to last a month.

I'm being too pessimistic, lets look at this glass as half full. At least now we maybe able to go into New York tomorrow, for the first time together since we moved in, and maybe we can have a nice lunch out and maybe...oh fu*k it I wanted snow!